I'm too poor for cabs so I walk everywhere I go. The public transportation stinks worse than the air here. If I told you the name of my town you'd probably say something to the effect of "Oh, that's a funny name" or "Never heard of it". That's OK, I can see it on Google Earth so I know I'm real. Go ahead and type my address and you'll see me sitting in front of my house pounding a brewski. I never leave my porch. My next door neighbor was beating up his wife one night and I kicked the door down swinging the very same baseball bat I used during my stellar little league career. Bat vs Skull: Round One! Spoiler: bat wins.
I walk over to my neighbor's wife and ask if she needs me to call her an ambulance. While I'm picking up her teeth, she starts explaining to me that she likes it rough and they were just horsing around. Well shit, how was I supposed to know that? I gots me a hero complex, she says. Since when is that a bad thing? The world needs heroes. Mine include Wade Boggs and Don Mattingly. I love New York City and I love the Yankees, maybe that's where I oughta be living? I bet there's no crazy bitches there.
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