PLEASE DESTROY MY ENTIRE FACE

It's like you're always stuck in second gear.

2011-12-14T20:09:00.000-08:00

They're talking about me on the news channel again. Top of every hour. I didn't know you were allowed to editorialize on a news program. It seems journalistically irresponsible to call for my head on a flaming stick. I beat those charges fair and square. Lost half of my inheritance in the process. New hotel rooms make me nervous. Gagging on the foul piped-in oxygen surrounded by four beige walls caked in semen. I love this episode of Friends. That week-long earthquake was so depressing. I miss Los Angeles. I can't believe Courtney Cox-Arquette died like that. When I first heard the news I tried to leave bible study early but Pastor Roy said I had to stay unless I lost a family member. Friends are family that you choose, motherfucker.

I'm From Heaven

2011-12-14T19:53:00.000-08:00

Today is Valentine's Day! I left a box outside of my front door for admirers to leave me chocolates and massage oils. Within the first hour of it being placed outside, it had been adorned with swastikas and filled nearly to the top with some sort of unidentifiable substance that probably came from an animal. No doubt the work of neighborhood teens. They're never nearly as well behaved as the ones who dance across my computer screen at night. I love a good rib so I took no offense to this demonstration of youthful exuberance. I bet they just wanted to rustle my feathers to let me know they have accepted me into their community. It's been nearly two and a half decades, it'd be about time! Yes, they heard about my brain tumor and knew that laughter was the best medicine. I think I'm going into remission already! It feels good to be loved. I think I'm going to order a horse meat pizza to celebrate this new beginning. I hope they'll cut it into the shape of heart for me.

Order Refills By Number From Your Jobber

2011-12-14T19:27:00.000-08:00

I found this notebook on February 12th, 2010 at 12:10pm. Given the recent events of my life, I feel that this notebook was a gift from God Himself. This is the olive branch that I always knew he'd extend to me. Who wouldn't want me on their side? It's not that I'm this amazingly terrific ally or anything. It's more that I'm an exhausting enemy to maintain. Tenacity is not a word volleyed around in conversations about me unless the conversation happens to be about my legendary grudge-holding abilities. I would rather hold a grudge than a woman. The only other thing I'd ever consider holding is the world record for longest grudge ever held. The War on Heaven is over.

Indians

2011-12-09T18:31:00.001-08:00

Indian: What kind of casino doesn't let you bring a bow and arrow inside? This would never happen in Zia Pueblo! Why does their money have Andrew Jackson on it? Are they that proud of the Trail of Tears that we left behind as we got raped out of our...

Teacher: ... let me stop you right there, Ted. Okay class, what are some inaccuracies in Ted's oral report so far? Anyone? Sheena?

Sheena: Well first of all, he's like... wearing a Fubu tracksuit.

Teacher: Yes, very good. Ted, you were supposed to be in FULL character. Including a costume. I don't think your Atlanta Braves baseball hat is going to count as a costume.

Ted: You serious?

Teacher: Yeah, sorry. You really fucked this one up. You get an F.

Ted: What the hell? Can I at least finish?

Teacher: If you must...

Ted then proceeded to toss a hatchet at his teacher's face. Brains and grey hair splattered across the dry erase board. The classroom erupted in applause. Hands of all races rushed towards Ted and lifted him into the air. And at that moment, he finally understood what Racial Harmony Day was all about.

Wire Me Money

2011-12-09T17:40:00.000-08:00

What's the ugliest thing you could imagine that's not my face right now? I want you to pick something... else. I'm only making this face because I'm in pain. You chose to live behind all these fences. I said nothing would come between us. Braided aluminum, barbed wire, those fucking dogs. Why do you need to put so much space between us? I brought you ice cream from that place you like! It melted on the way over but here is a photograph of me holding up the ice cream and as you can see it was timestamped just a few hours ago. It's the thought that counts! Are you going to just sit there calling the cops or are you going to get me out these dog blood drenched clothes? Why are you treating me like I'm invisible? Look, I made you a mix tape. Can I put it on? Where's the tape player I gave you? What do you mean it broke? That thing worked perfectly for 20 years. What the fuck did you do to it? Why don't you care about anything I do for you? Oh, look it's Mr. Tough Cop over here with his taser and mustache. You gonna take me out, pig? That's fine. I don't have a life anyway. You'd be taking away nothing, you hear me? NOTHING.

No Fun

2011-11-21T20:11:00.000-08:00

I remember I met you in a room full of alcoholics. You were talking to a man and I envisioned the two of you having sex and I felt so sick. I butted right in and asked if this clown was bothering you. He got a little violent. Beat me real bad with a beer bottle. You took me to the hospital and thank goodness we had recently seen the same films because we really hit it off. As we quoted our favorite lines from Scrooged, you typed my contact information into your phone. The doctor diagnosed me with a severe head injury that stumped everyone else on the staff.

"It looks like the blows you suffered have put your brain in a degn3hrelr4ler..." I couldn't listen anymore so I put on my coat and asked you out on a date. On the way to Applebee's, you told me about the guy you killed in college. I couldn't stop laughing. "I remember that on the news" I said about a bloody knife that apparently was once owned by you. Once we got to the restaurant, the staff was so dazzled with our rapport that they immediately assumed we were a happily married couple. I did nothing to dissuade them. I improvised an incredibly racist impression of the waiter and you grabbed my hand and squeezed it gently. I don't know if it was the head injury talking or not but right then I thought that maybe I was in love.

But it was the head injury talking. My head got worse by the week. My vision was blurry all the time. Often I awoke face down in my own vomit. I started to watch sports more and read less. You'd come over and frown at me for hours. I'd make jokes and you wouldn't laugh. I'd ask if anything was wrong and you'd tell me to stop being so insecure. I'd hobble over to you for a hug and you'd wince and turn your head. I would pass out and you'd be gone. And you'd never came back again.

Surprise

2011-11-14T16:09:00.000-08:00

I'm not a good friend. I'm not a friend at all. A friend wouldn't have left you sprawled out on my stoop like that, writhing in a pool of pepper spray and totaled birthday cake. Pail pink pastry pieces plastered the pavement around you. Today I turned 26. I can't believe you actually remembered. I just wish you would have listened to me when I urged you to not throw me a surprise party.

Information Overload Unit

2011-10-13T19:42:00.000-07:00

The only bridges I burn are the ones already named after things that are flaming. I emptied out the last of the kerosene onto the 59th Street Bridge and searched my jacket pocket for a lighter. Shit, I forgot it. I started to bang my skull against a cantilever in hopes of creating a spark. All I did was knock myself out. Next thing I knew, I woke up beside you in a hospital room.

You: Oh, Mr. Severe Cranial Trauma has decided to join us! How you feeling there, champ?

Me: Where the shock am I? Military hospital?

You: You wish. It's not too hard to figure out where you are. It's a lot harder to accept it! So hey, they say they found you in a pool of blood and kerosene out on the Queensboro Bridge. Nice one! You must be into some rough shit. You like leather play? I like leather a lot. Real kinky, man. I gots photos of all sorts of famous people licking on my leather. You like Jaco Pastorius?

Me: He's ok. You said, "they" found me. Who's "they"?

You: They? The Spookers, mostly.

Me: I'm not a ghost. What the hell would a ghost collector want with me?

You: Oh... well... the thing about that...

Screaming Fist

2011-10-13T19:10:00.000-07:00

I first started shaving my fists at the age of seventeen. By then my masturbation addiction had completely taken over my life. Every single urban myth I scoffed at about beating my meat had in fact been cold, hard science. I was a touchy toddler but my mom never told me there was anything wrong with it. My glasses kept getting thicker and thicker until one day I couldn't see a goddamn thing. It wasn't a big deal, everything I needed was glued on to my body with dried semen. One day, my mom led me into the basement because it really didn't matter where I held my skin flute concerts. She'd kicked a box of thawed Hot Pockets down the stairs three times a day so I wouldn't die. Ham and cheese is my favorite! So much better than corn flakes.

Leider gibt es keine versteckte botschaft

2011-10-13T19:01:00.000-07:00

When I said I was "worried about you" it was because the first time I saw you naked, that was the song coming out of your record player. That's honestly the only kind of shit I even remember about you anymore. I wrote down all our in-jokes on some notecards so you'd feel connected to me during dinner. We dissected our mutual acquaintances and boiled down their inconsequential existences to cruel parodies. That bitch with lupus. The fat black guy at your job who was obsessed with you. He probably wasn't. I think he just wanted to watch Tyler Perry movies and expand his waistline. But I guess he'd try to make conversation with you every now and again so how could he not be anything but completely consumed by your average looks and cocktail personality? I'm here right now, aren't I? Infatuation has never just been the product of soul-crushing boredom. Nope, never once. I'm here because you're absolutely the most special person I have ever had the privilege of knowing.

Hi Sex Offenders Who Read My Blog Now

2011-09-24T14:04:00.000-07:00

So basically some fringe group is posting allegations about a video that I allegedly uploaded on here. By their own admission, the video was immediately deleted but since they are so concerned with the rights of sex offenders, they themselves are currently hosting the video on their YT account. Try not to die laughing when the Twisted Sister song comes at the beginning.

Anyway here's some links:

The alleged video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sIqgVPSN3hg
The blog entry about what a piece of shit I am: http://sexoffenderissues.blogspot.com/2011/09/la-joe-somar-harassing-offender...

Also, if you'd like to buy my book send $8 to paypal at keepkreepin(at)gmail(dot)com

AND REMEMBER, JOE SOMAR IS INNOCENT UNTIL PROVEN GUILTY! THIS IS AMERICA, MOTHERFUCKER. So maybe let's not jump up my ass for something I allegedly did in defense of someone who definitely did something pretty genuinely fucking shitty. And if the sex offender in question feels I invaded his privacy with what I am being accused of, I can't imagine that keeping the video up on the internet is going to be doing him any justice.

Never Love a Whore

2011-09-15T21:41:00.000-07:00

I drank black coffee until my brain buzzed like a video arcade. Three nights in a row the ghost in my bedroom has kept me up. "A good man is hard to find. A great man is hard all the time." I remembered that from your t-shirt. It let me know that you were a slut and that we'd get along great as long as I kept a roof over your head. But I can't control the goddamn weather (anymore). That hurricane blew into town and took our roof with it. My summer cottage was as topless as you were at the end of my bachelor party. But you stayed anyway. I left my fiancee for you and I never once regretted it. When I told her I was leaving she had something in common with you for the first and only time in her life: she took it hard. The way you held my hand while she took a baseball bat to my collection of ceramic clowns let me know that you were in it for more than yacht access.

Three years later and I still remember sitting at the doctor's office when we got the news. You were so happy to find out you were going to be a mom. We had tried so many times but I honestly had no idea that vaginal intercourse was the only way to go for insemination. Those brochures were super helpful! And when you lost the baby after that four-month crack binge, I was right there to drown your sorrows in hats and shoes. "You're the only baby I'll ever need" you whispered to me right as that drunk driver swerved into you. I was left there holding your beautiful torso. Dickhead coroner wouldn't let me take it home.

I sobbed for days as I dug through the hamper smelling anything you had worn. My mom found me sniffing a pair of your period panties and it took all of my fat uncles to pry them out of my hands. I sat at my pottery wheel and I closed my eyes tight. I waited for your arms to wrap themselves around me and guide my hands to the perfect vase. But just like our first night together, you never came.

Now there's a ghost in my bedroom and the worst part is that it's not you. This ghost is mean. This ghost hates me. And I'm trapped here with it. All alone. Without you.

A Janitor's Lament

2011-09-15T20:47:00.000-07:00

I'm no George Boldt but I know a thing or two about hotels.
As I stumbled down the hallway after a very successful evening of drinking in the lobby, the unmistakable stench of chloramine vapor stung my nostrils.
I quickly located the nearest utility closet and when I saw the towel stuffed underneath the door, I immediately retrieved the axe from my duffel bag and proceeded to chop my way through.
Inside was a lowly, gagging janitor breathing his final breaths.
I cradled him in my arms and kissed his cheeks.
Not again, I thought to myself.
Not again.

3.141592653589793238462643383279502884197169399 etc.

2011-08-19T21:45:00.000-07:00

Three is the worst number. I feel just awful for pi because it wants to be four so bad. You try so big but you fail so hard, pi. Just sputtering on and on into infinity never quite reaching your goal. Three always leaves someone out. Better bring that romantic detachment to that table, young cuckolds. Just be adventurous and have some goddamn fun, yes? Years later you'll be worrying about bills bills bills the way things are going. You won't remember the look in his eyes as he glanced over at you and won. Defeats pile up high to the sky. If you rack up enough you'll be able to climb up to the high road. Wouldn't that be nice? No more slashed tires and racial slurs. No more screaming at customer service sales reps that are just trying to do their job. Maybe you'll even regulate that train wreck you call a digestive system? When was the last time you even ate something that was naturally green? It's all those processed foods that are making you crazy. Now sit back and watch. Maybe you'll learn something.

Right leg, hospital; left leg, cemetery.

2011-08-19T20:53:00.000-07:00

I'm too poor for cabs so I walk everywhere I go. The public transportation stinks worse than the air here. If I told you the name of my town you'd probably say something to the effect of "Oh, that's a funny name" or "Never heard of it". That's OK, I can see it on Google Earth so I know I'm real. Go ahead and type my address and you'll see me sitting in front of my house pounding a brewski. I never leave my porch. My next door neighbor was beating up his wife one night and I kicked the door down swinging the very same baseball bat I used during my stellar little league career. Bat vs Skull: Round One! Spoiler: bat wins.

I walk over to my neighbor's wife and ask if she needs me to call her an ambulance. While I'm picking up her teeth, she starts explaining to me that she likes it rough and they were just horsing around. Well shit, how was I supposed to know that? I gots me a hero complex, she says. Since when is that a bad thing? The world needs heroes. Mine include Wade Boggs and Don Mattingly. I love New York City and I love the Yankees, maybe that's where I oughta be living? I bet there's no crazy bitches there.

... Do U?

2011-07-31T16:03:00.000-07:00

#200

2011-07-28T23:21:00.000-07:00

I'm here with the horders and spendthrifts in hell. It's not so bad once you get used to the heat. My radio took a bath with me and now I'm here. It was Friday but it was more like a Fried Day! Get it? The clean up was apparently really depressing because your penis shrinks to almost clitoral proportions if you get shocked to death. I don't know the fucking science behind it but it I think that's the 21 grams that you lose when you call it a day. So all the cops were making fun of my tiny penis while they were scraping me out of the bathtub. My parents were right there! They had no clue their son had such a small penis.

"In a way, it's almost good that he's dead," remarked my dad as a cop jokingly flicked my dead wiener with his thumb and index finger.

"I was just thinking the same thing! Hey, are you hungry for vienna sausages out of nowhere?" replied my mom. My dad just knowingly nodded and pulled two cans out his fanny pack. That's my papa, always prepared.

An Officer and a Gentleman

2011-07-28T23:04:00.000-07:00

Coyote Ugly

2011-07-24T21:36:00.000-07:00

This is horseshit. I know the difference. I'm not going to go into the specifics of fecal texture but if you've worked at the zoo for as long as I have you'd just develop a fifth sense. Or sixth, I guess. I was never able to smell so my fifth sense would be my uncanny ability to identify crap. Which is probably a lot better than smelling it from what I am told! Nobody knew shit better than I did. So I knew they were full of it when they told me that I was being fired because the economy was bad. I knew the real reason: POLITICS.

You beat the shit out of one coyote with a baseball bat and suddenly you're the Adolf Goddamn Hitler of the whole fucking zoo. I mean, does anyone even like coyotes? This one was always setting traps for me. Once he painted a big black circle on the wall of a cave and I walked right through it. Fell something like eight stories down and broke my fibula. I let it slide but this thing wasn't going to stop until I was dead. It was either me or him.

One day the little fucker was setting up some sort of catapult looking contraption and I lost my fucking mind. I went to my car and grabbed my baseball bat out of the trunk. I came back and that little cocksucker was sneering at me, waiting for me to step into that fucking catapult.

Not in your life, coyote.

I took the same Louisville Slugger I used to win multiple local softball championships and I bashed that furry fuck up so good that blood and hair were stuck all over the end of Bessy (that's my bat's name). One of the zoo doctors came running up to me screaming and crying about how I had just killed some rare breed of coyote and I straight up told him to shut the hell up. Ain't no difference between coyotes, they all shit the same.

Hot + Cold Skulls

2011-07-24T20:17:00.000-07:00

I typed your name into every possible search engine with every possible qualifier I could conjure. I laboriously logged every boring little truth you left unguarded on the internet. I put his name in too. But I only found the message board where you first bonded over Royal Trux. I like Royal Trux too, why did you never ask me? Maybe if you had, I wouldn't have ruined your wedding. Your dad was so angry but he hits like my two year old daughter. She's crying right now. She doesn't understand why her daddy does the things he does. She's so fucking uneducated. She takes after her mother, I guess. If she was still with us, she'd talk me outta this. If she knew how to use anything, it was her mouth. But this had to be done. I knew you were staying in the luxury suite just above me. I booked this room the day after you booked yours. I always knew this is what I had to do. Now where did I put that dynamite?

BUTTER KNIVES VOL. 1 - NOW AVAILABLE WORLDWIDE

2011-07-21T12:31:00.000-07:00

Does the post-Facebook, digital everything generation still like zines? Shit, I fucking hope so.

VOL. 1 | 52 PAGES, A5 SOFT COVER | B&W PHOTOCOPY |
EDITION OF 150, NUMBERED| XIII PUBLICATIONS 2011 | $8.00 USD + FREE SHIPPING
EMAIL KEEPKREEPIN(AT)GMAIL.COM TO GET YOURS.

IT'S HARD FOR ME TO RECONCILE THE LEADER OF THE MIGHTY BLACK FLAG, RECORDING A RECORD CALLED 'GOOF OFF EXPERTS'.

My dear friend Erin over at EVERYTHING IS EASIER IN MONOTONES wrote this wonderful write up for it:

JOE SOMAR (B. 1982 NEW YORK) IS AN AVANT GARDE ARTIST BASED IN NEW ORLEANS.
SOMAR IS BEST KNOWN FOR HIS NOISE PROJECTS. CHARACTERISTICS OF THE 'PERCEIVED' NEGATIVE TRAITS OF NOISE ARE APPARENT IN HIS ART. HIS TIME IS SPENT BY COVERING WALLS WITH HATEFUL, POETIC NARRATIVE - OF EXTREME BREVITY- WRITTEN IN ANIMAL BLOOD.

BUTTER KNIVES VOL. 1 IS HIS FIRST COLLECTION OF THOSE MESSAGES.

A GORGEOUS ANUS IS ONLY A COTTON SWAB SOAKED IN BLEACH AWAY

EMAIL KEEPKREEPIN(AT)GMAIL.COM FOR YOUR COPY OF BUTTER KNIVES.

It was just a community lie...

2011-06-27T17:10:00.000-07:00

My neighbor recently moved out after having a spat with his long-time ladyfriend. She still lives above us. I ran into him last night and he bragged about having a new Canadian lady and how life was good. On my way to work, I ran into him AGAIN with who I'm gonna go ahead and assume is his new gal pal so I pretended I was texting and I took a picture of them. He does look really happy but I couldn't tell you if she was Canadian without seeing her vagina.

#194

2011-06-27T16:49:00.000-07:00

I'm such a hilarious dude. I just can't stop cracking jokes. I'm the life of a party to which I wasn't formally invited. It's ok, I think my invitation just got lost in the mail! LOL! They see my car pull up and if the unmistakable sounds of Vengaboys didn't tip you off, my hilarious vanity license plate will...

... do you guys like me yet?

I'm here on Facebook waiting. Why won't you poke back? Why didn't you like my inappropriate comments on your sister's graduations pictures? She's 18 now, I thought she was fair game. None of the girls at my job want to take me home anymore because they're sick of seeing me cry. I'm a man now. Why won't anyone let me show them?

If I delete my Facebook will everyone think I was dead?

#193

2011-06-27T16:39:00.000-07:00

Do you feel left out when people make jokes about this purple-vested anomaly? This whole country has been obsessed with him on some level for what seems like a million years. If this were a chick, I guess I'd give her a go once but like... what else is the appeal? I haven't heard any of his music. Is he in movies or on a television program? Does he play bass in Iceage? Is he really a Canadian? Is he a six? I just wonder who the joke is supposed to be on. Seeing as this right here is the most effort I have ever put into acknowledging his existence, I'm hoping it's not on me. But uhh... it usually is.

#192

2011-06-25T12:23:00.000-07:00

Google "Autobahn1212" if you want to enter a world full of nightmares.
I did and now I'm hooked on meth with an electric toothbrush up my ass.
I'm hoping to opt out soon by going Christian.
That way I can blame everyone else for how fucked up I let this get.
Oh shit, but I did kill that guy.
I should probably keep doing meth.
With this toothbrush up my ass.

LOL BEST VID

2011-06-25T12:20:00.000-07:00

Franny and the Flatliners

2011-06-08T17:12:00.000-07:00

My blood sugar was extremely low this morning. I dragged my feet to the train station across the street. I could barely get my eye open for the retinal scan and almost missed the last bullet train to Colombia. I knew the train ride was exactly 37 minutes long. More than enough to finish working on my presentation. Mr. Loera had put a lot of faith in me in the last few months. Cocaine wasn't the universally loved product that it used to be. People were dying left and right. It was ruining marriages. It was creating boners that should have never existed in the first place. It was my job to remind Americans that Cocaine was the product that single-handedly revitalized the economy when the rest of the world was looking at us like a bunch of flatliners.

Speaking of which, the unmistakable sound of chains clanging against bare bones began to fill up the train car. Fucking flatliners. I pretended I couldn't smell them while I e-mailed Q.T. Pie's manager. Q.T. was America's youngest porn star at the age of 10. She was about to turn 18 and make her first adult pornographic film after an amazing 8-year run as America's highest grossing child pornography star. She was also a very avid Cocaine enthusiast. If I could manage to get her to become our new spokesmodel, I am sure we'd be able to move eight balls to improve our third quarter figures.

"Hey brother, spare some credit? I really need to get my bones bleached," hissed a flatliner that had positioned himself right in front of me. I tried so hard to ignore him but the hideous stench of an exposed skeleton is unbearable that close up. I began to vomit all over the communicator I was cradling in my palms. I'm glad I sprung for the insurance.

"Ooooh, looks like Mr. Skin got himself a weak stomach. Mine's strong, padre. Wanna see it?" he grinned as he pointed towards the a throbbing purple sack pulsating inside of his ribcage. More vomit.

"What do you want from me?" I finally managed to ask without making eye contact.

"Ooooh, I think you know what I want," he whispered directly into my ear. All the hair on that side of my face was now singed clean off. With tears streaming down my face, I got up from my seat and proceeded to remove my shirt.

"Yesssss, that's it. Keep going," implored the flatliner as I pulled down my pants and exposed my flaccid penis to him and the six other flatliners that I was now aware were accompanying him. I was fully nude. They were all licking their chops. My communicator started to play "He's My Guy" by Francis Bean Cobain. That was Franny's ringtone.

"Can... can I answer it?" I asked while uncontrollably sobbing.

"Why you wanna go and do that, muchacho" asked the flatliner. I guess he used to be Mexican or something.

"That's my wife. I want to tell her I love her one last time," I lied. Franny wasn't my wife. We were good enough friends, I guess. But she was an obsession. A sickness. I wasn't even really sure if she was real. I had never been in the same room as her. But I was sure that I loved her more than anything else in the world. I just wanted to hear her voice one more time before they took what they wanted from me. Before they took my skin.

"Oh I don't know about all that wife stuff, hombre," snickered the flatliner. "Seems to me, you die when you die. No need to say goodbye."

"D-did you mean for that to rhyme?"

"Hahaha, we got a funny one here!"

"So... can I call her back? Please?"

"No, I don't think that's going to happen. I think what's going to happen is me and mi amigos over here are going to rip your skin right off of you. And we're going to eat it right up like a fucking pork rind. How does that sound to you?"

"Fuck it," I managed to say right before my throat was eaten. There was nothing left of me when they were done except for a skeleton and a communicator. So that's why I never wrote you back.

She's a Landmark of America

2011-06-06T22:46:00.000-07:00

Everyone's life peaks. Mine did some years ago.

It's the year two thousand something and I'm shoving a baseball bat in Sasha Grey's pussy while she reads me the Cliff's Notes to The Brothers Karamazov, right? We were only listening to records put out by Dais. "Hey, I heard one of these dudes allegedly rapes women. Isn't that sick as fuck?" she managed to say with all of my cock in her mouth.

"I'm gonna rape you too, slut!" I began yelling while wearing a Crispin Glover mask and an American Apparel v-neck. You don't have to be Mel Gibson if you want to know what women want but it helps to be Mel Gibson if you want to know what Jews fear. Everything in the room was made out of marble and they gave me a free iPod before I left.

Later that day, I met you.

Clock Blocked

2011-06-06T22:12:00.000-07:00

"Big Ben is a famous clock somewhere in Europe that gives everyone but me the time.
I must keep a pocket watch on me constantly because Big Ben is no friend of mine."
- Walter Morris, 1982

Big Ben is supposed to be reliable but he doesn't always perform. Here are some instances of Big Ben dealing with, shall we say, equipment malfunctions.

1916: for two years during World War I, the bells were silenced and the clock face darkened at night to prevent attack by German Zeppelins.
Sept. 1, 1939: although the bells continued to ring, the clock faces were darkened at night through World War II to prevent guiding Blitz pilots.
New Year's Eve 1962: The clock slowed due to heavy snow and ice on the long hands, causing the pendulum to detach from the clockwork, as it is designed to do in such circumstances, to avoid serious damage elsewhere in the mechanism—the pendulum continuing to swing freely. Thus it chimed in the new year 10 minutes late.
5 August 1976: First and only major breakdown. The air brake speed regulator of the chiming mechanism broke after more than 100 years of torsional fatigue causing the fully-wound 4 ton weight to spin the winding drum out of the movement, causing a large amount of damage. The Great Clock was shut down for a total of 26 days over nine months - it was reactivated on 9 May 1977; this was its longest break in operation since it was built. During this time BBC Radio 4 had to make do with the pips. Although there were minor stoppages from 1977 to 2002 when the maintenance of the clock was carried out by the old firm of clockmakers Thwaites & Reed, these were often repaired within the permitted two hour downtime and not recorded as stoppages. Prior to 1970 the maintenance was carried out by the original firm of Dents and since 2002 by Parliamentary staff.
27 May 2005: the clock stopped at 10:07 pm local time, possibly due to hot weather; temperatures in London had reached an unseasonable 31.8 °C (90 °F). It restarted, but stopped again at 10:20 pm local time and remained still for about 90 minutes before restarting.
29 October 2005: the mechanism was stopped for about 33 hours so the clock and its chimes could be worked on. It was the lengthiest maintenance shutdown in 22 years.
7:00 am 5 June 2006: The clock tower's "Quarter Bells" were taken out of commission for four weeks as a bearing holding one of the quarter bells was damaged from years of wear and needed to be removed for repairs. During this period, BBC Radio 4 broadcast recordings of British bird song followed by the pips in place of the usual chimes.
11 August 2007: Start of 6-week stoppage for maintenance. Bearings in the clock's going train and the "great bell" striker were replaced, for the first time since installation.During the maintenance works, the clock was not driven by the original mechanism, but by an electric motor. Once again, BBC Radio 4 had to make do with the pips during this time.
May 31 2011: The entire clock tower began to tilt forward as if it was no longer made of solid matter. Passersby compared it to a giant, limp penis.

What could've been

2011-06-01T20:42:00.001-07:00

I WILL NEVER FORGIVE THE PAPARAZZI!

1992

2011-06-01T20:05:00.001-07:00

It was 1992 when I fell down an open manhole. It was during the summer and I was chasing an ice cream truck. I was overweight and had my hair intentionally styled into an asymmetrical slope. This is the child my parents decided to raise. So I fall down the fucking sewer. My dad starts laughing at me. He can't believe how hard I ate it. I landed in a split position and I guess I tore my nutsack open or something. I don't really remember. There was tons of glass and a giant rat just hanging out in there. Just like on TV! My dad came back after a few minutes with a camera and began to take pictures. He told me to look more hurt. Luckily, the request was hurtful enough to illicit the desired reaction. We sued the city and got a bunch of money. My dad used all of the money to buy shit like sweatsuits and gold chains. He's the fucking man.

Damn the Man

2011-06-01T18:32:00.000-07:00

YouTube took down my suicide video because I used copyrighted music during it.

The earth was shaking when I came in her mouth

2011-06-01T18:15:00.000-07:00

If these things didn't make me laugh, I'd be able to make my mother proud. If these things didn't make me laugh, I'd have a real job. If these things didn't make me laugh, I'd be able to keep a friend for more than two and half years. If these things didn't make me laugh, I would fucking drown myself because I don't want to live in that kind of world.

Confessions of an Equestrian Arsonist

2011-06-01T17:50:00.000-07:00

It's all a matter of soul and fire. My mane squeeze dancing with flames and pain. It was my first time lighting a horse on fire and I didn't know how I would ever quit. Just like everything else, it lacked the majestic beauty of the sketches I drew during my lunch break. I didn't expect the horse to start screaming like that. I didn't even know horses could scream. I guess it takes a lot to get them there. The clean up is the worst. You get so carried away in the excitement of the spectacle. Horses can't speak but their eyes are big enough that you can see the exact moment when the lights go out while you watch the inferno peel away layer after layer of pony muscle.

She was so beautiful. She could've won the Kentucky Derby. Now she's the worst smelling skeleton ever.

BLOOD LIFE

2011-05-29T23:31:00.000-07:00

I own so many red tuxedos. Gang colours always. Red toilet paper at the compound. Take my best girl out to the Crown Fried Chicken in my red jorts and my red cellular phone to match the Red Sox hat. I never use eye drops. My kids are gingers. I am a communist.

INSIDER-WITZE

2011-05-29T21:57:00.000-07:00

No Motorcycles

2011-05-23T16:48:00.000-07:00

Rollerblade is a company that makes in-line skates.
Scotch is a company that makes tape.
Xerox is a company that makes photocopiers.
Band-Aids is a company that makes adhesive bandages.
Kleenex is a company that makes tissues.
Mummy is a company that makes wrapped ghouls.

Infinite Madness

2011-05-21T13:14:00.001-07:00

The Rapture

2011-05-21T12:40:00.000-07:00

I'm so glad I waited for this
Every nervous moment worth it
Every anxious wave rode through
To find me lying safe with you

Slash Fiction

2011-05-11T15:49:00.000-07:00

Slash: How is my hair? Does it look like we've been having sex on my tour bus for seven hours?

George Lopez: No way, papi! It's the same kind of fucked up looking it always is.

Slash: You're hilarious. When am I going to see you again?

George Lopez: Slash! We can't keep doing this thing where we have sex with each other! What about our careers. We're both more relevant than ever!

Slash: G-Lo, I would trade all eight thousand of my Les Pauls just to have your dong inside of me 24/7. You are a Mexican sex machine and I'm in love with you.

George Lopez: Saul...

Slash: Don't "Saul" me! You really think I can go back to not 69ing with you in front of my fireplace after we spent an entire weekend 69ing in front of my fireplace.

George Lopez: What about Scott Weiland?

Slash: I'll talk to him.

Time Cop 3

2011-04-27T18:35:00.001-07:00

PLEASE DO NOT TRY TO READ TIME COP 3 UNLESS YOU HAVE ALREADY READ TIME COP 2. YOU CAN READ TIME COP 2 HERE.

I was speeding down the highway as fast as I could. In the car with me was Kurt Cobain and O.J. Simpson. I hadn't seen Kurt in almost a year. We were listening to the new Nirvana single, which was a piano ballad with Michael Stipe entitled "Friends Like These". It was completely gay.

"Dude, this is so crazy! You gotta slow down or you're going to get us killed!" yelled Kurt in between sips of expensive champagne. I hit a pot hole and Kurt spilled his champagne all over O.J.

"Making mimosas back there, Kurt? We don't have time for that! We need to get back to my time. The year 2013. Remember me killing Courtney Love a few months back? That one seemingly insignificant event created a time anomaly!"

"A time a-what!? Does this motherfucker speak motherfucking English?" yelled a drenched O.J. Simpson.

"Time anomaly, Juice! Courtney wasn't supposed to die, Kurt was! I realize that now."

"Damn! Now what exactly does that motherfucking have to do with motherfucking me, man?" yelled a drenched O.J. Simpson.

"Does the name Ronald Goldman ring a bell, Juice?"

"Hell yeah! He's a motherfucking friend of my motherfucking ex-wife!" yelled a drenched O.J. Simpson.

"Yeah, well... he's more than that, buddy. He's sticking it to your ex-wife too."

O.J. looked both drenched and dismayed at this bit of news.

"How does that make you feel, Juice?" I asked while launching the car off a ramp and into a secret alleyway.

"I don't know... damn..." said a crestfallen O.J.

"Wait... why am I here for this?" asked a confused Kurt.

"You're here because you're not supposed to be here, Kurt. I came back in time to save you from your wife but it just fucked up everything in my time. The world was not ready for the onslaught of mediocre Nirvana records that followed In Utero. In the year 2013, everything sucks. Every movie is a remake of a remake and I don't even sort of have enough time to describe what happened to music but I will tell you that a dog won a Grammy. Like an actual fucking canine animal dog. Initially, my people had discovered the Fall of the Arts could be traced back to a single piece of art not being made in the middle of the 1990s. We had deduced it was the follow-up to In Utero but after hearing that god awful piece of shit, we realized that you weren't the one I was supposed to save. No, we were supposed to save Ron Goldman."

"Man, but he's deep dicking my ex-wife!" yelled a distraught O.J.

"Yeah man, and you're gonna have to let it go. You see, you murder him and your wife in my timeline. You go to trial and even though you aren't convicted, your reputation is completely ruined."

"What does this have to do with anything?" Kurt shouted. I immediately pulled a rifle out of the glove compartment and shot Kurt in the face. His stupid brains got all over everything but since they weren't going to be used to write anymore awesome music, I didn't give a shit.

"Daaaaaaaaaaaaamn!" yelled a newly-drenched O.J.

"Get it together, Orenthal! Now last year you made a movie called Naked Gun 33 1/3: The Final Insult."

"Hell yeah, I did!"

"Well guess what? It's not the Final Insult. My people did some calculations and figured out what caused the Fall of the Arts. They never made Naked Gun 4. Apparently, it's the funniest movie ever made."

"No surprise there."

"But it won't get made if you kill your wife and that other dude. Juice, you have to come to terms with your anger now before it spills over and manifests itself into something as ugly as murder."

"You just shot that crazy white boy..."

"HE WAS SUPPOSED TO DIE, JUICE! DO I REALLY NEED TO PLAY YOU THIS SHITTY CD AGAIN FOR YOU TO REALIZE THAT?"

"Don't... don't play it again..."

"I won't. But you have to promise me you won't kill those two people and that you'll sign up for a fourth Naked Gun movie. An entire world depends on you. Will you do this for me, Juice?"

"Hell to the yeah, motherfucker!"

Me and O.J. celebrated by playing touch football for a few hours. He was really good!

Time Cop 2

2011-04-27T18:15:00.000-07:00

"Which do you like more? Fruitopia or Snapple?" said the girl who revived me. The time machine had worked. I was in the year 1994! I pulled myself up from the debris and followed her voice into the kitchen.

"I'll take a Snapple. After all, it's made..."

"... from the Best Stuff on Earth!" she enthusiastically finished my sentence and handed me a Diet Peach Iced Tea. I chugged the nasty crap down as fast as I could and pretended to enjoy it so as not to arouse any suspicions.

"Hey, can I use your land line... I mean... your regular old run-of-the-mill telephone?"

"Only if it's a local call!"

"Yes, of course!"

"You wrecked your weird little car pretty bad there, Mister..."

"... Orion. Julius Orion."

"Well Mr. Orion, I was about to put on David Letterman. Madonna is on tonight! Would you care to join me?"

"You always invite strangers into your house for Snapple and television, Miss..."

"Grey. Lola Grey. And yes, I do. I believe in the kindness of strangers."

"Is that so? Lola Grey. That's a pretty name. Too pretty to be real. In fact, I know for a fact you're lying."

"What... what are you..."

"Spare me the act, sister! I know how you are. You're Courtney Michelle Harrison. Better known as Courtney Love. And in a few days, you're going to murder your husband. I've been sent back from the past to waste you!"

Before she could open her mouth, I took out two gigantic guns and began to fire a crazy amount of bullets at her. Meat and bleached hair were flying everywhere as her hot blood gushed out of her unrecognizable half-skull like a kid puking up a cherry snowcone. Yeah, she looked like she was made out of doll parts now. Then Kurt Cobain came over and saw what I did. I explained that she was going to kill him in a few days and he immediately thanked me for being such a fucking bad motherfucker.

"Is there anyway I can repay you for saving my life?" he asked me while holding out a big bag of heroin and money.

"Just keep writing killer tunes, bro. Just keep writing killer tunes."

Unfortunately, every Nirvana album after In Utero totally fucking sucked. Oh well.

Sherms of Endearment

2011-04-27T17:57:00.000-07:00

Dear Nightclub Man,
My name is Joe Somar. You know me from the popular television show, YouTube. I played a hilarious guy who just won a court case. Millions of people watched this and they all agree I have no idea what a pussy looks like. My plan for 2011 is to remedy this! I figure if I use my fame to go around to places and tell jokes, I can make money and meet women. You're probably thinking "Wow, that's great! How can I help you?" I'm glad you asked! You can help me by giving me an hour-long slot at your venue to perform my jokes. Ideally, I'd like to perform when there are a lot of people so as to not totally waste my time. I will also need the following:

$40 in cash or in McDonald's food (you can also do $20 cash / $20 McDonald's, I'm flexible)
My own dressing room to do cocaine in
Some cocaine
A (female) tit to do the cocaine off of or look at while I do the cocaine
Someone to tell me I did a good job no matter what happens

Please get back to me as soon as you can!

Sincerely,
Joe Somar

World Injustice #616

2011-04-27T17:29:00.000-07:00

I smoke PCP for the same reason Michael Phelps swims. I love to get wet. But they won't put me on a Wheaties box for some crazy reason. How far can Michael Phelps throw a car? Unless the answer is "surprisingly pretty fucking far", I think he needs to hand his little gold medal over to a true freak of nature.

Larry Sweeney is Dead

2011-04-11T16:14:00.000-07:00

"The wrestling fanscape is thick with disgustos and morons. If you fall into either category, you probably won't be hearing from me." - Larry Sweeney

Larry Sweeney was barely 30 years old when he took his own life less than a day ago. I've been thinking about him all day. Wrestling die-hards such as myself already knew Larry was bipolar and had been largely M.I.A. from professional wrestling since about 2008. Save for a few appearances in AAW and Chikara Pro last year, we were waiting for Larry Sweeney to make his big comeback and take the indy wrestling world by storm. Now it's not going to happen but that's not why I'm sad. Larry Sweeney was one of the most uniquely talented guys I've ever had the pleasure of watching. You always heard that Larry Sweeney was "legitimately crazy" but he turned that pain into art. No one could touch Larry Sweeney when he had a microphone in his hand. I always felt less embarrassed about being a pro wrestling fan when I thought of Larry Sweeney.

Usually the thought of wrestling conjures up oiled-up homo-eroticism and roided-up land mosters spitting and screaming into a microphone. But Larry Sweeney was never that guy. If you followed him at all, you found him to be a honest, intelligent guy who casually cited The Highwaymen and Italo Calvino as influences on his career. Other thoughtful people with decent taste enjoy this bullshit called pro wrestling? Sure, it's not common but people like Larry Sweeney aren't common either. And even though I didn't know him, I will always miss him. Ain't no doubt about it.

Men on Fire

2011-04-02T09:11:00.001-07:00

I remember when Marvels by Kurt Busiek and Alex Ross came out. I was 11 years old and while I was totally enamored of Alex Ross' gorgeous interiors, I was already cynical enough to be put off by the optimism and awe that permeated the story. If I saw an angel flying around, I'd probably try to shoot it.

A year later Marvel released Ruins by Warren Ellis with interiors by Cliff and Terese Nielsen. Being a 12 year old in the year 1995, I wasn't yet a giant Warren Ellis fan so this book kinda passed me by. Had I read it then, I'd like to believe I would've loved it but I probably would've just been like this kid:

Ruins is the Bizarro to Marvel's Superman. Everything that can go wrong, will go wrong. It's been my experience in life so far that this is exactly how the world works. So thank god for Ruins because it's Marvels for low lives like me.

ISSUE #1
ISSUE #2

2011-03-30T18:33:00.000-07:00

Over a grand for an MRI? Get the fuck outta here!

I'm a Lexicon Devil with a Battered Brain

2011-03-28T17:45:00.000-07:00

What the fuck, everyone? I've gotten a lot of feedback on my recent head injury and it's all like "LOL U HIT UR HEAD" and shit like that. Let's take a look at what a concussion does to you.

Ok, I guess that is pretty funny.

WHEN I'M GONE

2011-03-28T16:23:00.000-07:00

I once joked that I wanted to be a ghost so I can follow you around and watch you shower. But no one was prepared for the amount of blood I lost when my fist collided with that jukebox glass. I really thought it would impress you to see me doing "The Twist" in person instead of on YouTube. The paramedics told me to lay still but I wanted you to take my little hand and go like this. But I didn't know I'd go like this. I went to my own funeral and there were only like four hot girls. You weren't one of them. I guess it was our first date and it would be creepy for you show to up. But it's not creepy for me to float the six floors up to your studio apartment and wait for you to come home.

The door knob twisted and if I had feet instead of that weird squiggly, translucent ghost bottom I would've hopped right up on them. You threw your bag down on the floor (that's bad luck, silly!) and proceeded to head to the bathroom. This was it! You started with your pants and as you slowly slid that tight dark denim down your gorgeous pale legs it looked like night turning into day. Suddenly it hit me that you were about to take a shit. Was I into it? You bet your fucking life. After all, I bet mine on you.

Lead Me On

2011-03-28T15:27:00.000-07:00

I hope to someday find a nice boy who will tell me everything I want to hear. It doesn't have to be true, it's about the music of language. I'll probably die before any promise anyone ever makes to me could ever possibly come true... so pile it on! I live to chase after the carrots dangled in front of me by strangers. I'm like a horse that way but not in cock size. Is that the problem? Of course, it's not. You're not a shallow person. You love me just the way I am. And that's why I believe every word you say.

OH HEY, NEW NAOMI ELIZABETH VIDEO

2011-03-26T13:50:00.000-07:00

DEM DANCE MOVES!

A LOVING TRIBUTE TO THE LATE LIV TYLER

2011-03-23T17:52:00.001-07:00

Where were you when you heard the news that God called up another angel to heaven? Oh Liv, I am so sorry. I should've never left you in Pittsburgh. Now we're all stuck down here while your dad furiously pounds off to pictures of you. You turned it on - then you're gone. Do you still have that chubby sister? Eh, I'll be fine then.

TOMMY BOY IS A HILARIOUS FUCKING MOVIE

2011-03-23T17:25:00.000-07:00

Totally holds up.

OBSTACLE CORPSE

2011-03-23T16:42:00.000-07:00

When Gary Moore died, the first thing I did was break my brother out of jail. It wasn't easy. We all got sick from eating the cake with the saw baked into it. At least that's what I told my brother. But honestly, blowing all those prison guards while wearing a blond wig didn't help matters either. Irrelevant, I had my brother back!

Me: Bro, I'm so happy you're out of jail.

Him: I know, bro! Thank you so much! You know I got AIDS in there.

Me: Like AIDS AIDS? Or are you just HIV positive?

Him: No bro, FULL BLOWN.

Me: Goddamn, I don't think I want you in my car.

Him: Wait... what?

Me: Yeah, uhh... look, here's $5,000. Take it and start a new life somewhere really far away. I dunno, do they have like an island... for people like you?

Him: What the fuck? Where did you get this?

Me: I found it in the bad part of town. Now can you get your AIDS-having ass the fuck out of my car?

Him: You serious?!

Me: Yeah dude, do I look like Freddy fucking Mercury over here. GET THE FUCK OUTTA MY CAR RIGHT NOW! (I pulled out a can of pepper spray at this point to show him I meant business)

Him: Did you steal that from one of the guards you choked to death? (He didn't know that they actually choked me... with their cocks.)

Me: Hell yeah, bro. Took it right off his dead fucking body. So like are you going to get out of my car or am I going to have to mace the shit out of you and kick you out?

Him: I think you know the answer to that.

Tears were streaming down both our faces as I blasted my former brother in the face with white hot pepper spray while "Dancing in the Moonlight" played on the car stereo. I whispered "I'm sorry, I love you" softly to myself as my awesome new combat boot collided with his puffy, red face sending him flying out of my 1997 Geo Prism.

The smell of the pepper spray made me hungry. Where's a cool place to eat?

2011-03-22T19:23:00.000-07:00

There are no bad ideas in brainstorming and it was coming down inside my skull tonight. It's been a fucked up day. No girls answer my text messages anymore. What is wrong with them? But all of that is going to change. I found a suitcase containing $32,000 in the bad part of town. I grabbed the fucker and nervously looked around me to make sure no one saw me darting off into the dark with it pointlessly tucked underneath my t-shirt. The entire street car back uptown saw me sweating like I had just done a push up or heard my alarm clock go off. I tried to give off the impression that I was desperately clutching a suitcase full of rubber vomit so as to not an invite a mugging. I did this by writing "RUBBER VOMIT" on the front with a black permanent marker. It would stay there forever now.

"What that is? Rubber Vomit? Like phoney puke?" asked a big fat bitch probably named Crystal.

"You bet it is!" I yelled in the most legit sounding voice I had. But anyone as hungry for money as they all were could smell it on you like a McDonalds in the rain. I wasn't going to get turned into McNugget batter by these bozos. The street car stopped in front of a flock of geese crossing the track. Now's the time to make my move. I kicked the back door open (no time to open it proper) and ran as fast as I could to my modest slave quarters right off Bourdeaux.

I threw the ugly, vaguely-reeking-of-urine suitcase onto the ground and proceeded to count out the cash five times. Each time I believed it a little bit more. The first thing I did was order some pizza. This was the most money I had ever seen in my life. Maybe to someone like a Brad Pitt this is chump change, but not to me. Fuck, maybe this fell out of his limo. That's an acceptable loss, right? I mean he has Angela Jolie and all those probably biracial babies running around. He probably spends 30 grand a day on toilet paper alone. And besides, he does not want to fuck with this. This ain't Hollywood, bro. If that guy tried to take this from me, he'd have to get through 300 pounds of kung fu first.

OK, so the first thing I need to do with this money is get kung fu lessons. What else is cool to spend money on?

HINKLEY HAD A VISION

2011-03-14T16:47:00.000-07:00

Kiss Me on the Teeth

2011-03-13T17:15:00.000-07:00

I remember one time I saw Manute Bol boxing William "The Refrigerator" Perry on Celebrity Boxing. It made me feel so bad about being an American watching a television. Come share my pain.

Isn't that the fucking worst? I'd rather watch a snuff film starring my entire family then ever endure this again. The bizarre combination of shame and sadness I experienced during this fight felt like getting a visible erection while giving the eulogy at your Grandmother's funeral (because the mortician did a really top notch job dolling her up). But don't worry, this story has a happy ending.

Ich würde Berge versetzen, dass Sie mir

2011-03-13T13:51:00.000-07:00

By the time the school finally got the proper paperwork in order to search my locker all they found were pictures of you taped all over the inside. The principal lost his shit and tossed me into the trophy case. Broken glass and bronze basketball players everywhere. "We know you kidnapped the school mascot, WHERE IS HE?!?!" I was speechless. How do you tell someone you ate a ferret?

Fingerbanging 101

2011-02-11T17:20:00.001-08:00

No Title

2011-02-11T17:13:00.000-08:00

Two Videos About Egypt

2011-01-31T16:07:00.001-08:00

Mr. Funny Voice

2011-01-29T10:29:00.001-08:00

Mystery Bin

2011-01-29T10:28:00.001-08:00

Old Fashioned Hamburgers

2011-01-29T10:26:00.000-08:00

Whole Foods

2011-01-29T10:24:00.000-08:00

An Update About The Fugue

2011-01-26T17:27:00.000-08:00

I shaved for this video so you know it means a lot to me.

Ghost Capture 101

2011-01-26T17:26:00.000-08:00

Eat the Rich

2011-01-26T17:25:00.000-08:00

Master of Puppets

2011-01-26T17:23:00.000-08:00

How to Make Friends

2011-01-26T17:21:00.001-08:00

Problem, mon?

2010-12-28T00:28:00.000-08:00

Fugazi said it best: "It's time to eat Jamaicans" (see: Latin Roots) It's the only way I can get high anymore. There's enough marijuana in one Jamaican to power an entire city block for one hour. And yet we're wasting precious finite fossil fuels! Did you know that cocoa bread and ox tail prices have been skyrocketing?! If we don't do something about this Jamaican epidemic, your kids are going to go to school every morning and sing Shabba Ranks songs instead of reciting the Pledge of Allegiance (TOTAL NIGHTMARE, RIGHT??!?!?). I'm headed over to Golden Krust with a giant net right now because no-fucking-body else is going to do it.

Boy let me show ya how to make that crack

2010-12-28T00:09:00.001-08:00

A lot of people love to smoke crack and with Three Kings day coming up a lot of people are going to be cooking up that crazy white to smoke with their amigos. Here's my favorite recipe!

First of all, here's what you need to get started: Cocaine powder, teaspoon, measuring cup, pan, and OF COURSE BAKING SODA (MUY IMPORTANTE MUCHACHO!)

Ok so first off you pour about an ounce of cocaine in the measuring cup. After that, you're gonna add approximately a teaspoon of baking soda. Then finish off the batter with a 3/4 cup of water. Now you have crack batter! Don't lick the spoon, just rub a little on your gums!

Now you're going to pour the mixture out into a pan and start cooking that shit up. As you're cooking it, the batter's going to bubble up. Get a knife and flatten those bubbles out! Flattening the shit out is kind of the most important part of the whole operation so don't fuck it up! Cook it up until it's solid white.

Drain the white solid bits on a napkin or paper towel. When it's all drained out, put it in a Ziplock bag and stick it in the freezer for 20 minutes. Yeah bro, you just made some fucking crack. Smoke it or smell it, the world is your oyster. You'll love the taste it but you won't be able to stand the smell.

2010-12-27T23:55:00.000-08:00

I don't let people get

Mr. Awesome Penis

2010-12-27T23:43:00.000-08:00

Me: I know I'm a considerate lover because I ask the girl "You like that?" every few seconds. OK, I guess it's more of a rhetorical question. I'm Mr. Awesome Penis and all the girls love it. Sometimes I like to cut a hole in the center of a pepperoni pizza and stick my awesome penis through the hole. I'd wait and wait by the dumpster behind Lil' Ceasar's until some hungry hobo came along for his freegan treat. So that's how I ended up having 3/4 of my penis bitten off.

Doctor: Ouch!

Shit Women Love

2010-12-27T22:51:00.000-08:00

1. ATTENTION
2. DIAMONDS
3. SHOES

I will sit on top of a mountain of diamond-encrusted stilettos with my backs turned to you, women. I will do this forever. And I will be the last man standing.

The Devil Reads the Advocate

2010-12-27T22:35:00.000-08:00

When you're trying to operate a machine that could easily kill you (e.g. tractor, nuclear reactor) you should know the right buttons to push. If you want to roll the dice and blindly poke your fat hot dog fingers at the control panel just to see what the fuck is going to happen, you shouldn't be surprised when you find yourself missing a leg. You don't blame the machine, you blame the fucking idiot at the helm. The machine's just doing what you told it to do.

Meet Me in the Parking Lot, Motherfucker

2010-12-27T22:27:00.000-08:00

Every compliment I get has some weird backdoor kind of emasculation device built into it, ready to detonate all over my ego. It was while I was living in Vancouver doing a play that I developed my insatiable hunger for deer flesh. For anyone interested, it was a prequel to the Arthur Miller classic, Death of a Salesman entitled Birth of Salesman. I played a wide-eyed Bill Loman fresh out of salesman college. The Vancouver Sun called it "tolerable at best". Well, you know what? Nothing good ever came out of Vancouver. So FUCK IT.

News You Can Use

2010-12-27T22:24:00.001-08:00

The most enjoyable thing I ever did as a child was punch another child. When you're 5 years old, it's the best time to assault a little kid. It's a total inside job. You trying socking a toddler in his jerk-ass mouth when you're 27. People get so fucking mad! "Hey, that's my kid!" Well fuck, raise him right motherfucker. Remember last year (I think) there were like eighty or so cases of strangers backhanding the holy fuck out of kids they didn't even known at Walmarts and shit? Do you think it was a coincidence? No, it wasn't. Because the news is fake. Stop watching it!

Lynch Mob Rules

2010-12-27T22:19:00.000-08:00

Everyone is so afraid of fucking strangers because they don't want a disease. If you're walking and breathing, you're gonna get one. Maybe you are one. Maybe just by walking out in daylight you're spreading a vicious strand of incurable bullshit. Telling shitty jokes, smelling bad, brute-forcing your uninformed/uninspired opinions, wearing a Football jersey, eating a cheeseburger that came sealed in an airtight pouch. Fuck, I do some of that shit too. I don't think I'm better than anyone. I'm going to hang anyway, so we might as well hang together.

23 Years Ago

2010-11-22T18:11:00.000-08:00

23 Years ago, the veil was lifted from the eyes of America and Max Headroom stole the airwaves of Chicago for two glorious minutes.

WHY DIDN'T SHE LISTEN??!?!?

2010-11-18T17:36:00.000-08:00

It's a Beautiful World We Live In

2010-11-10T17:28:00.000-08:00

Starting a family

2010-10-23T11:39:00.000-07:00

My Life is Retarded

2010-10-20T19:27:00.001-07:00

ANOTHER JOE DAY

2010-10-20T19:15:00.001-07:00

Ari Up died. What the fuck, that's terrible. You know what's not terrible?

Have you seen this fucking thing? I actually bought one and can I recommend having it delivered or at the very least don't get stoned before you go pick it up. The pizza itself weighs in the neighborhood of 600 lbs which is the size of a puma cub. I now understand the thrill of a hunt because carrying this back to my house was like bringing my prey back to the den. The pizza itself tastes like every single fucking bogus pizza place's. But man, it's fucking gigantic. People were honking their car horns at me and shit while I was lugging this thing back home. It was kind of embarrassing because I was also wearing sweatpants and it did nothing to disguise my anxiety-induced boners.

When did I turn into such a loser?

Don't want to close my eyes...

2010-10-13T20:33:00.000-07:00

Impressing Girls

2010-10-02T10:58:00.000-07:00

"They said to ask for help when it was time to move the refrigerator out on to the curb. I'm a 27 year old man, I'll be damned if I need an assist from two teenage girls to move a fridge a few feet. Plus when they see me lifting the fridge all by myself, they're going to get totally wet and probably offer me a double-team blowjob. Every time I'm introduced to two girls at once, I try to see if I can get them to give me a hummer at the same time. I was finally in a position to make it happen," I explained to the doctor.

He started to laugh and he shot me a knowing smirk. "That's so funny. Have a look at your X-ray. Your back is now completely destroyed! When you dropped that refrigerator on yourself you nearly broke your spine in two. I remember when I first started my residency here I was introduced to these two incredibly hot nurses. I immediately made a vow to have sweet triangular love with them in a hot tub. It's very natural for men to want to have sex with two girls at the same time if they're both hot. One time, I was performing spinal surgery and these two babes were in the room. I fucked something up, I had a couple of drinks earlier that morning, and my patient was bleeding out really bad."

"Like in LOST?" I immediately asked in hopes of having the situation framed in a way I could relate to.

"I don't know, I've never see that show," he said to me with much regret. I started to cry. I felt so lost. You know... like the show...

"So anyway, this patient, he was bleeding all over the place and if I didn't fix it he was going to probably never walk again. The nurses tried to help me but I was all like 'Chill out, bitches! I got this!' But I didn't. The patient lost a lot of blood and by the time I patched him up, the damage to his spine was totally irrepairable." The doctor said wiping a tear from his cheek.

"That's awful! Were the nurses at least impressed?"

"Yes! Yes, they were. They said I was very brave and they said if I ever needed to talk, they would be there for me. So Mr. Schwarzenbach, do you want the good news first? Or the bad news?"

"I'll go with the good news."

"Right now, those two nurses are in my office doing coke in their underwear. When I leave here, I'm going to go totally bang both of them. And it's all because of you, Mr. Schwarzenbach."

"Wait... so what's the bad news?"

"You're never going to walk again."

Date Mantra

2010-09-30T22:33:00.000-07:00

I am going to start doing a dance with a lot of exaggerated hand movements whenever I hear rap music. I am going to compliment your outfit. I am going respond to everything I don't understand with warm laughter; the crinkles surrounding my eyes conveying sympathy and acceptance. I am going to invite you over for some television and pizza. I am going to show you my collection of masks. I am going make a lot of dated pop culture references. I am going to go into the other room for 30 minutes to make a phone call and come back drying tears from my eyes. I am going to tell you I don't want to talk about it. I am going to call you a cab. I am going to weird you out via text message. I am going to make this the best first date ever.

For more tips: http://www.ehow.com/how_2919_kiss-date.html

I'm Out of Touch

2010-09-30T18:25:00.001-07:00

I once had my finger on the pulse of America. I was LOLing about The OC on MySpace, man. And then, I dunno... I stopped trying. Jokes take longer to trickle down to me now. I only just now got 30 Rock sent to my small rural town. Did you guys hear that maybe Soundgarden is maybe getting back together? I just saw Jackass 2. I am excited about Dipset's next music album, when does it drop? Oh god, I have to pay teenagers to explain to pirate music for me.

So, I need blog recommendations!

I MADE A COOL MEME

2010-09-30T18:13:00.000-07:00

HOW LOL IS THIS?

You Know Like Raisins

2010-09-10T17:34:00.000-07:00

There was my new signature staring back at me for the first time. I handed the pizza delivery driver back the receipt feeling like I had just emerged from the womb. Walter Morris was dead and his corpse shat out a brand new man named Ray Zinn.

Changing my name to Ray Zinn is the best 400 dollars I've ever spent. I've been desperately looking for something to set me apart. At parties I get ignored and no one wants to look at the pornography on my PSP with me. I immediately began to practice it while I ate my three orders of cheese-covered bread. "No seriously, here's my identification card. It says it right there. My name is Ray Zinn. Swear to god. You know... like raisin. Raisins. Isn't that weird? Why would someone name their kid Ray when his last name is Zinn. I know, right? Hippy parents!" I was now confirmed for future life of the party status.

Here are some jokes about my name that I plan on using at the bar tonight:
- I am currently writing a book called "In the Sun".
- I'm originally from California.
- I plan on opening a bar of my own called "Ray Zinn: The Bar".

Yes, I will definitely avoid dying alone now.

Stairway to Chicken

2010-08-25T21:08:00.000-07:00

Balancing a plate of a corn and a bowl of ice cream on my lap. Waiting to watch kids my age fail at fake sports. This would become a favorite past-time. Kirk Fogg was the best because he had an understated hint of disgust and disappointment when he made eye contact with the children. Mike O'Malley was everyone's buddy, Mark Summers didn't wanna be touched, Phil Moore was essentially mentally handicapped. Kirk Fogg, dude.

I died.

2010-08-25T20:50:00.000-07:00

It wasn't even fun. The man who killed me wanted the eleven dollars in my cool leather Harley Davidson wallet to smoke crack with. It made me feel cheap. I would've gotten him some crack. I was on my way to the store to buy some baking soda, even. He didn't have to kill me. So now I'm a spirit of vengeance. Someone once asked me what I would do with this kind of unlimited potential. I said I'd use it to watch girls shower. I was told this was a very boring answer. But it hasn't gotten old yet. And sometimes dudes try to rape chicks in the alleyways and I get to save them. You don't know what good feels like until you've broken up a rape in progress. I'm the main the guy now. And everything cool happens to me.

Brilliant but cancelled

2010-07-20T18:38:00.000-07:00

Life on a Stick is a FOX sitcom that premiered on March 24, 2005. It was canceled after just five episodes due to low ratings although the premiere episode had American Idol for a lead-in.

2 Tickets to the Buzzov*en Reunion

2010-07-20T17:33:00.000-07:00

A LOT OF PEOPLE (MYSELF INCLUDED) WONDER WHAT HAPPENED TO MAXINE AND KYLE FROM LIVING SINGLE. HERE IS AN EPISODE OF SOME OTHER SHOW THAT EXPLAINS.

There is no god, and the cage wasn't 30 feet

2010-07-20T17:24:00.000-07:00

"This is the song from my toothbrush!" he kept shrieking as he tugged on my pant leg. It was the only sound in the room I could hear. "This is the song from my toothbrush!!!!" It was the same song my toothbrush sang me every morning. The song about my gums ripping open and my mouth flooding with blood. Time freezes when you strike a child. Every eyeball locks onto to you like hateful homing missiles. I tugged at my neckline in a comedic fashion and luckily this immediately diffused the situation. It was a crowded shopping complex and attention spans were about as short as this kid I just clocked. I slung him over my shoulder and proceeded to lightly jog to my car. I'll put him in the trunk with the rest of them. I'm late for a date.

That's about right.

2010-07-16T19:33:00.001-07:00

Via I Write Like

Future Science Jesus

2010-07-12T14:39:00.000-07:00

From: DOKTOR SLEEPLESS

Burningman Pt. 3: How to Buy a Mask

2010-07-04T21:53:00.000-07:00

9/11 was fucking horrible, I can't lie. But the next few months were kind of amazing. Yeah, downtown New York City was basically a warzone and lots of people got killed but wall-to-wall cool shit was happening to me. Here is my top five list of rad things that happened because of being a celebrity fire fighter:

1. I got to meet Joe Rogen (AWESOME DUDE!)
2. Ate some pretty kick-ass steak while sitting next to Harry Mother Connick Fuckin' Jr at the White House (that fucker is a class act, man).
3. I banged Margaret Cho in a bathroom (NO CONDOM!).
4. Sang the National Anthem at a Knicks game (only got a light smattering boos when I started laughing during it)
5. Trishiaa, my teenage side-piece, finally let me put it in her butt. (I told you she becomes important later on)

Everyone else seemed to think the world was swishing down Lucifer's toilet, but not me. It goes to show you that one man's unmitigated disaster is another man's tear-jerkingly beautiful Hollywood ending. Hanna, my legal girlfriend, and me even got married! We had been through so much together and I think that made us stronger. Also, I threatened to have her murdered if she left me. And man oh man, did I ever mean it! I even had some guy mail her pictures of her doing day to day stuff, just so she knew she wasn't safe anywhere. Best one million dollars in unmarked bills I have ever spent. You can't put a price tag on romance.

In case you feel lost:

Part One
Part Two

I'm Ancient + Full of Shame

2010-06-29T12:42:00.000-07:00

I'm old and dying. I've used a rotary telephone. I've seen Weezer live with Matt Sharp. My friends were Hulkamaniacs. I was entertained by Colorforms. My first ever albums were on cassette and I got butthurt about the emergence of compact discs. I saw Home Alone in theaters and I remember it vividly. I didn't understand Terminator 2's appeal (I thought it was too flashy). I watched Tom & Jerry on purpose and it was on TV for me to watch on purpose. My fingertips are bursting into white dust with every keystroke.